Every Kiss Begins With Kay

Kay Jewelers runs ads around the every holiday that include their tag line, "Every Kiss Begins With Kay." I suppose I can't blame them, but when I'm broke and I see their store at the mall, I like to go up to a salesperson and ask, "Every Kiss Begins With Kay, right?" After they nod, I say, "You know what else is true? Every Piss Begins With Pee."

Every cloud has a silver lining, but hardly anybody wants to trade up to a golden shower.

Joie de Vivre

When the French girl I was dating told me I had an enormous "Joie de Vivre," not speaking French, I thought it was a flattering (albeit inaccurate) anatomical reference.

The Chiquita and the Banana

One thing I learned: If you're planning to use a frozen chocolate banana as a marital aid, remember to put towels under her FIRST. Chocolate MELTS and the stains don't come out. You'll have a difficult time convincing your next visitor you aren't incontinent. And, no, the "in continent" ISN'T Europe.

Movie lovers

Talk about a Freudian slip! When I found out she liked Hitchcock films, I meant to ask if she liked "Rear Window", but it came out "Do you like Back Door?"

Part of the Stand-up Set I'll deliver 6/1/09

Actually, I've been married 28 years this August 1st. We got married on eight / one / eight one. The date also describes our wedding night. First I ate one, then she ate one, and so on. I'm a gentleman. I believe ladies should come first. Yeah, I know it's disgusting to imagine, looking at me now -- like thinking about your grandma & grandpa going down on each other -- but it was HOT around 30 years ago.

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When I was younger, I made some mistakes, but Hell I'm only human, right? I screwed up sometimes. When I got older and fatter, my wife stopped letting me be on top in bed, so now I ALWAYS screw up. I mentioned I have a bad memory -- didn't I? I'm not sure. My wife likes it when I say her name when we make love. About 1/2 the time I remember it. I wrote it on the wall over the headboard a few years ago, but when she insisted on being on top I had to paint it in big letters on the ceiling. Now my eyes are going bad, too. I have cataract surgery scheduled right after the 4th of July. So I can't read what I wrote on the ceiling. So sometimes I just call her by affectionate pet names, like Honey and Baby. Her pet name for me is Dumbshit.

Another "Adult Pun" for Oldsters

Did you hear about that retrospective TV special where Sally Field and Moondoggie go to the vibrator store? It's called "Gidget Gets a G-Spot Gadget."

Rainbow Sherbet

I know it's creepy for an old guy to talk about sex, so I'll just talk about rainbow sherbet. Do you know those 1- and 2-gallon tubs of rainbow sherbet? Any parents in here? Do you buy rainbow sherbet for birthday parties? Almost every kid likes at least one flavor, right? There's the orange-orange part and the white-pineapple part and the pink-raspberry part. It's been 35 years since I slept with a redhead, but it made a big impression. Viewed from the correct angle, there's the orange hair, the white skin and the pink parts. My favorite flavor is raspberry. I don't need a bowl, I don't need a spoon. Lemme bury my face in there.