Fitness!

I'm shopping opinions and would appreciate yours. Too crude, funny, neither?

I want to get in shape with aerobic exercise. Stick with it by starting slowly and combining it with something I already like to do. So now I masturbate on my wife's Pilates machine. I'd better explain. I climb on and get a workout, NOT masturbate ONTO it, leaving a crusty layer of rudeness.

My wife hella hates me, not just because of Pilates stains, but because I have a girlfriend. Young & (I think this is so sexy) she's got a tramp stamp. Do we all know what that is? A lower back tattoo that could be abstract artwork, a landscape (but not of the grand canyon -- that would send the wrong message), or words. I even saw a picture on the internet of a girl with verses of the bible across her back and down her ass. When exactly did she think would be the right time for her lover to read the bible off her butt?

Anyway, my gf's tramp stamp says "Do not over inflate." Do I need to say she's an *inflatable* gf ... who likes to do Pilates?