Every Kiss Begins With Kay

Kay Jewelers runs ads around the every holiday that include their tag line, "Every Kiss Begins With Kay." I suppose I can't blame them, but when I'm broke and I see their store at the mall, I like to go up to a salesperson and ask, "Every Kiss Begins With Kay, right?" After they nod, I say, "You know what else is true? Every Piss Begins With Pee."

Every cloud has a silver lining, but hardly anybody wants to trade up to a golden shower.

Joie de Vivre

When the French girl I was dating told me I had an enormous "Joie de Vivre," not speaking French, I thought it was a flattering (albeit inaccurate) anatomical reference.

The Chiquita and the Banana

One thing I learned: If you're planning to use a frozen chocolate banana as a marital aid, remember to put towels under her FIRST. Chocolate MELTS and the stains don't come out. You'll have a difficult time convincing your next visitor you aren't incontinent. And, no, the "in continent" ISN'T Europe.

Movie lovers

Talk about a Freudian slip! When I found out she liked Hitchcock films, I meant to ask if she liked "Rear Window", but it came out "Do you like Back Door?"

Part of the Stand-up Set I'll deliver 6/1/09

Actually, I've been married 28 years this August 1st. We got married on eight / one / eight one. The date also describes our wedding night. First I ate one, then she ate one, and so on. I'm a gentleman. I believe ladies should come first. Yeah, I know it's disgusting to imagine, looking at me now -- like thinking about your grandma & grandpa going down on each other -- but it was HOT around 30 years ago.

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When I was younger, I made some mistakes, but Hell I'm only human, right? I screwed up sometimes. When I got older and fatter, my wife stopped letting me be on top in bed, so now I ALWAYS screw up. I mentioned I have a bad memory -- didn't I? I'm not sure. My wife likes it when I say her name when we make love. About 1/2 the time I remember it. I wrote it on the wall over the headboard a few years ago, but when she insisted on being on top I had to paint it in big letters on the ceiling. Now my eyes are going bad, too. I have cataract surgery scheduled right after the 4th of July. So I can't read what I wrote on the ceiling. So sometimes I just call her by affectionate pet names, like Honey and Baby. Her pet name for me is Dumbshit.

Another "Adult Pun" for Oldsters

Did you hear about that retrospective TV special where Sally Field and Moondoggie go to the vibrator store? It's called "Gidget Gets a G-Spot Gadget."

Rainbow Sherbet

I know it's creepy for an old guy to talk about sex, so I'll just talk about rainbow sherbet. Do you know those 1- and 2-gallon tubs of rainbow sherbet? Any parents in here? Do you buy rainbow sherbet for birthday parties? Almost every kid likes at least one flavor, right? There's the orange-orange part and the white-pineapple part and the pink-raspberry part. It's been 35 years since I slept with a redhead, but it made a big impression. Viewed from the correct angle, there's the orange hair, the white skin and the pink parts. My favorite flavor is raspberry. I don't need a bowl, I don't need a spoon. Lemme bury my face in there.

From April 15, 2009

On MSNBC's Rachel Maddow show, she couldn't stop laughing about the campaign to send tea bags to government officials as a protest of high taxation. There are "Tea Bag Parties" being held today in many cities, led by Conservative politicians or media figures, supposedly akin to the Boston Tea Party. Rachel laughed each time she quoted somebody saying "Teabag Obama" or "Teabag Your Congressman", etc. She didn't explain that "Teabag" is a slang sexual term, but I Googled it to find its meaning. I couldn't believe what it said. In fact, I thought it was a balled face lie.

Too obscure

To understand this one, you'll need to know several things: the slang term for "vaginal flatulence", the name of a popular hip-hop artist/actress, and the name of a Yoga posture called "knees to chest" (or the "gas relieving posture"). Ready?

When the 17-year old girl in a beginning Yoga class kept having unexpected results doing apanasana, her classmates dubbed her "Teen La Queefah."

Rimsky-Korsakov

Rimsky-Korsakov: The nickname of a tubercular Russian prostitute whose specialty was anallingus.

Hanukkah Candles

The Jewish gynecologist celebrated Hanukkah by lighting the Labia Menorah.

Being Apart

When I began to travel on business, I bought my wife two vibrators. Now I can leave her to her own devices.

Cedar Chest

Cedar Chest: What the hillbilly did at the topless bar.

Patriotic Oral Sex

My ex-girlfriend is very patriotic. When she became a hooker, she vowed that on the 4th of July she would hum the Star Spangled Banner while giving a free blow job to any uniformed serviceman she met. That makes them come to attention.

The Fly Trap

This guy was so "macho" he never wore underwear. One day he carelessly caught himself in his zipper. He tried to extricate himself, but it was too painful. He went to the E.R. where they gave him a local anesthetic and got him out of his pre-dick-ament. They called the procedure the "Penis Fly Trap."

Sex With a Redhead is a Religious Experience

After the Jewish gynecologist saw his redheaded patient's burning bush, she complained of a headache. He told her, "Take these two tablets and call me in the morning." When she complained about her boyfriend's lovemaking technique, he recommended she give him a sermon on the mounting. Further, she should sing the old spiritual "Go Down, Moses" until the guy learned to do it.

Why Roman Polanski Never Ages

Some of us remember movie director Roman Polanski, who was said to have had sex with a 13-year old girl in 1977 and fled the country. Like Dorian Gray, he doesn't seem to age. He's discovered the elixir of youth. First he finds a youth and then ... elixir.

One Example of "Sit-Down" Comedy

I once was on an airplane, sitting across the aisle from a woman reading a Cosmopolitan magazine. I could see the cover, and one of its stories was, "How Do Men Really Feel About Sexually Experienced Women?" So I turned to her and said, "Pardon me. I noticed one of the articles is 'How Do Men Really Feel About Sexually Experienced Women?' I don't know what Cosmo says, but I like to start at the neck and work my way down or start at the knees and work my way up." I WISH I could say she liked the idea.

Wooden Sexual Novelty

I'm way behind in my reading. "American Lion", Jon Meacham's Pulitzer Prize-winning biography of Andrew Jackson, waits on a shelf at the Public Library. I remember a little about Jackson from history classes and recently refreshed my memory on Wikipedia, as follows: He earned a reputation and a nickname for toughness in the War of 1812. He was fiercely loyal to his wife and fought many duels over her honor.

Another thing I've learned, but few historians discuss, is that (in those days long before "latex novelties") Jackson whittled a hardwood device for his wife's pleasure. It sat unused in a drawer of her nightstand for many months, where it became dry and brittle. One night, at precisely one a.m., she tried it for the first time and got very painful splinters. Terribly embarrassed, she was forced to go to the ___ ___ ___ (3 words, no letter counts).

Andrew Jackson's nickname was "Old Hickory." His wife needed to see a doctor to remove the splinters she received "when the clock struck one." So, the answer is => she needed to see the "Hickory Dickory Doc."

Obi-Wan

When they approached Sir Alec Guinness to play Obi-Wan Kenobi in "Star Wars", he thought the project was silly -- see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alec_guinness. He even thought his character's NAME was silly.

He had won the Academy Award for Best Actor in 1957, playing Col. Nicholson in "The Bridge on the River Kwai" and he proposed they recognize that fact by renaming his character "Obi-Kwai". He also wanted to change the last name from "Kenobi" to "Tanblomi". When George Lucas heard about it, he approached Guinness in a rage. "Who do you think you are?" he asked. Guinness replied, "Oh, be quiet and blow me."

Coming Soon to a Blog Site Near You!

I'll be adding massive amounts of material soon.

Don't be ashamed you visited here.

Come back in a few days.

Hello, You Dirty Dogs!

I decided to post some of my "adult" content here.

Have you even noticed that when something is rated "For Mature Audiences Only", it generally is for people who want to watch crap?

I think it should be rated "For MANURE Audiences Only".

Just a thought.