Eureka!

I had a Eureka moment last week, what some people call an "Aha!" moment, a moment of discovery. Some California history. Eureka, the state motto, is what the guy said when he discovered gold in 1849 (49 -- 49ers, right?). Greek for "I have found it." So here's what *I* discovered. It turns out a man CAN have an orgasm without an erection. Well, it wasn't really a Eureka moment; [show vacuum hose] more of a Hoover or Bissell -- maybe Kenmore, I can't remember.

Irish Contraception

You probably know where the Catholic Church stands on contraception, right?

In Ireland, the only form they allow is an IUD called "Irish Spring." It has a fresh scent. You have to be manly to insert it.

Hefner Dates Irish Twins

Hugh Hefner is dating 19-year old, blue-eyed, blonde twins. Well, not actually blondes, but you know what I mean. They're named Karissa and Kristina Shannon. Shannon ... that's Irish, isn't it? I bet he likes it when they kiss his Blarney Stones [p], lick his Shamrocks [p] and eat his Lucky Charms. They're magically delicious.

June 15, 2009 Closing -- "Rainbow Sherbet"

[This is the way I closed my set, a version of the earlier Rainbow Sherbet joke.]

Any redheaded women out there besides Val? She can tell you, I have a redhead fetish. But I shouldn't talk about that. Instead, let's talk about rainbow sherbet. Do you parents buy those big tubs of rainbow sherbet for birthday parties? Almost every kid likes at least one flavor, right? There's the orange-orange part and the white-pineapple part and the pink-raspberry part. It's been 35 years since I slept with a redhead, and Val keeps turning me down -- every time [L] -- but it made a big impression. Now picture this, viewed from the correct angle, there's the orange hair, the white skin and, underneath, the pink parts, if you know what I mean. It just so happens my favorite flavor is raspberry. I don't need a bowl, I don't need a spoon. I STILL just wanna bury my face in there. [L]

All Screwed Up

[New comedy material, to use at a later date.]

When I was younger, I made some mistakes, but Hell I'm only human, right? I screwed up sometimes.

When I got old and fat, my wife stopped letting me be on top, so now I ALWAYS screw up. I mentioned I have a bad memory -- didn't I? I'm not sure. My wife likes it when I say her name in bed. I remember it -- about 1/2 the time. When my memory started to go, I wrote it on the headboard [gesture with thumb and index finger close together, "small"] and insisted we keep the lights on.

Now that she insists on being on top. I had to paint it in big letters on the ceiling, but then my eyes started going bad, too. So I can't read it.

Sometimes I just have to call her by affectionate pet names, like Honey and Baby. Her affectionate pet name for me is cute. She calls me "Dumbshit".

Every Kiss Begins With Kay

Kay Jewelers runs ads around the every holiday that include their tag line, "Every Kiss Begins With Kay." I suppose I can't blame them, but when I'm broke and I see their store at the mall, I like to go up to a salesperson and ask, "Every Kiss Begins With Kay, right?" After they nod, I say, "You know what else is true? Every Piss Begins With Pee."

Every cloud has a silver lining, but hardly anybody wants to trade up to a golden shower.

Joie de Vivre

When the French girl I was dating told me I had an enormous "Joie de Vivre," not speaking French, I thought it was a flattering (albeit inaccurate) anatomical reference.