All Screwed Up

[New comedy material, to use at a later date.]

When I was younger, I made some mistakes, but Hell I'm only human, right? I screwed up sometimes.

When I got old and fat, my wife stopped letting me be on top, so now I ALWAYS screw up. I mentioned I have a bad memory -- didn't I? I'm not sure. My wife likes it when I say her name in bed. I remember it -- about 1/2 the time. When my memory started to go, I wrote it on the headboard [gesture with thumb and index finger close together, "small"] and insisted we keep the lights on.

Now that she insists on being on top. I had to paint it in big letters on the ceiling, but then my eyes started going bad, too. So I can't read it.

Sometimes I just have to call her by affectionate pet names, like Honey and Baby. Her affectionate pet name for me is cute. She calls me "Dumbshit".