michele bachmann

Some things simply shouldn't exist in our universe. There's that idiot in Florida who burned the Koran. I can't find the words to describe him. Nor can I find a reason to do so. You already either hate him or are a bigot, too.

And then there's that idiot in Washington D.C. She comes from Minnesota, Michele Bachmann. Her ignorance and stupidity are worthy of ridicule.

Nasty jokes:

She's so stupid, she goes commando in the middle of Minnesota winters and gets chapped lips.

Her favorite dessert is tiramisu, because it's made with lady fingers. That's all she does in Congress. In committee meetings, on the floor of the Congress, or in her office, that's all she does. The lady fingers herself.

I do not suffer fools well. I find the notion of a Republican presidential ticket of Palin/Bachmann not only hysterically funny but entirely possible. Oh, puh-leeze let it happen.

Eureka!

I had a Eureka moment last week, what some people call an "Aha!" moment, a moment of discovery. Some California history. Eureka, the state motto, is what the guy said when he discovered gold in 1849 (49 -- 49ers, right?). Greek for "I have found it." So here's what *I* discovered. It turns out a man CAN have an orgasm without an erection. Well, it wasn't really a Eureka moment; [show vacuum hose] more of a Hoover or Bissell -- maybe Kenmore, I can't remember.

Irish Contraception

You probably know where the Catholic Church stands on contraception, right?

In Ireland, the only form they allow is an IUD called "Irish Spring." It has a fresh scent. You have to be manly to insert it.

Hefner Dates Irish Twins

Hugh Hefner is dating 19-year old, blue-eyed, blonde twins. Well, not actually blondes, but you know what I mean. They're named Karissa and Kristina Shannon. Shannon ... that's Irish, isn't it? I bet he likes it when they kiss his Blarney Stones [p], lick his Shamrocks [p] and eat his Lucky Charms. They're magically delicious.

June 15, 2009 Closing -- "Rainbow Sherbet"

[This is the way I closed my set, a version of the earlier Rainbow Sherbet joke.]

Any redheaded women out there besides Val? She can tell you, I have a redhead fetish. But I shouldn't talk about that. Instead, let's talk about rainbow sherbet. Do you parents buy those big tubs of rainbow sherbet for birthday parties? Almost every kid likes at least one flavor, right? There's the orange-orange part and the white-pineapple part and the pink-raspberry part. It's been 35 years since I slept with a redhead, and Val keeps turning me down -- every time [L] -- but it made a big impression. Now picture this, viewed from the correct angle, there's the orange hair, the white skin and, underneath, the pink parts, if you know what I mean. It just so happens my favorite flavor is raspberry. I don't need a bowl, I don't need a spoon. I STILL just wanna bury my face in there. [L]

All Screwed Up

[New comedy material, to use at a later date.]

When I was younger, I made some mistakes, but Hell I'm only human, right? I screwed up sometimes.

When I got old and fat, my wife stopped letting me be on top, so now I ALWAYS screw up. I mentioned I have a bad memory -- didn't I? I'm not sure. My wife likes it when I say her name in bed. I remember it -- about 1/2 the time. When my memory started to go, I wrote it on the headboard [gesture with thumb and index finger close together, "small"] and insisted we keep the lights on.

Now that she insists on being on top. I had to paint it in big letters on the ceiling, but then my eyes started going bad, too. So I can't read it.

Sometimes I just have to call her by affectionate pet names, like Honey and Baby. Her affectionate pet name for me is cute. She calls me "Dumbshit".

Part of the Stand-up Set I'll deliver 6/1/09

Actually, I've been married 28 years this August 1st. We got married on eight / one / eight one. The date also describes our wedding night. First I ate one, then she ate one, and so on. I'm a gentleman. I believe ladies should come first. Yeah, I know it's disgusting to imagine, looking at me now -- like thinking about your grandma & grandpa going down on each other -- but it was HOT around 30 years ago.

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When I was younger, I made some mistakes, but Hell I'm only human, right? I screwed up sometimes. When I got older and fatter, my wife stopped letting me be on top in bed, so now I ALWAYS screw up. I mentioned I have a bad memory -- didn't I? I'm not sure. My wife likes it when I say her name when we make love. About 1/2 the time I remember it. I wrote it on the wall over the headboard a few years ago, but when she insisted on being on top I had to paint it in big letters on the ceiling. Now my eyes are going bad, too. I have cataract surgery scheduled right after the 4th of July. So I can't read what I wrote on the ceiling. So sometimes I just call her by affectionate pet names, like Honey and Baby. Her pet name for me is Dumbshit.