Part of the Stand-up Set I'll deliver 6/1/09

Actually, I've been married 28 years this August 1st. We got married on eight / one / eight one. The date also describes our wedding night. First I ate one, then she ate one, and so on. I'm a gentleman. I believe ladies should come first. Yeah, I know it's disgusting to imagine, looking at me now -- like thinking about your grandma & grandpa going down on each other -- but it was HOT around 30 years ago.

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When I was younger, I made some mistakes, but Hell I'm only human, right? I screwed up sometimes. When I got older and fatter, my wife stopped letting me be on top in bed, so now I ALWAYS screw up. I mentioned I have a bad memory -- didn't I? I'm not sure. My wife likes it when I say her name when we make love. About 1/2 the time I remember it. I wrote it on the wall over the headboard a few years ago, but when she insisted on being on top I had to paint it in big letters on the ceiling. Now my eyes are going bad, too. I have cataract surgery scheduled right after the 4th of July. So I can't read what I wrote on the ceiling. So sometimes I just call her by affectionate pet names, like Honey and Baby. Her pet name for me is Dumbshit.