I'm shopping opinions and would appreciate yours. Too crude, funny, neither?
I want to get in shape with aerobic exercise. Stick with it by starting slowly and combining it with something I already like to do. So now I masturbate on my wife's Pilates machine. I'd better explain. I climb on and get a workout, NOT masturbate ONTO it, leaving a crusty layer of rudeness.
My wife hella hates me, not just because of Pilates stains, but because I have a girlfriend. Young & (I think this is so sexy) she's got a tramp stamp. Do we all know what that is? A lower back tattoo that could be abstract artwork, a landscape (but not of the grand canyon -- that would send the wrong message), or words. I even saw a picture on the internet of a girl with verses of the bible across her back and down her ass. When exactly did she think would be the right time for her lover to read the bible off her butt?
Anyway, my gf's tramp stamp says "Do not over inflate." Do I need to say she's an *inflatable* gf ... who likes to do Pilates?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
sex with a redhead
Got your attention, ehh? :)
I probably wrote about this topic at length earlier (I may get off my lazy ass & check), but I was led to think about it today watching the movie "Maximum Risk" on TV. It stars Jean Claude Van Damme and Natasha Henstridge. She's 5'10" tall & plays a redhead. The plot begins with Van Damme taking the place of his murdered twin brother, Mikhail. When he meets Henstridge's character, she is very, umm, affectionate toward him. She has several uninterrupted lines of dialog while she presses up against him. Not being his brother, he tries not to respond.
- Oh, Mikhail, I missed you.
- You're so tense.
- I'll help loosen you up.
- What's this?
- You playing hard to get?
- Is this a game?
- Fine. Have it your way.
- But no handcuffs this time.
- You've gotten a lot harder since you've been away.
Now, having had sex with a 5'10" (actual) redhead before, and having been the dominant in a master/slave relationship with a woman I handcuffed on a regular basis, I gotta tell you, this scored "throbbing erection" on the "Excellent erotic dialog in an R-rated movie" scale.
[OK, I checked. There are a few posts on the "sex with a redhead" subject over at my "adult" site, rhetorich-rx.blogspot.com, where I haven't posted in a long time. Anyway, this 5'10" redhead I knew had very imaginative friends. They nicknamed her "Big Red."]
The picture of a (natural) redhead Natasha Henstridge naked, kneeling, handcuffed, made to do whatever I want ...
Excuse me. There's something I need to go do now.
I probably wrote about this topic at length earlier (I may get off my lazy ass & check), but I was led to think about it today watching the movie "Maximum Risk" on TV. It stars Jean Claude Van Damme and Natasha Henstridge. She's 5'10" tall & plays a redhead. The plot begins with Van Damme taking the place of his murdered twin brother, Mikhail. When he meets Henstridge's character, she is very, umm, affectionate toward him. She has several uninterrupted lines of dialog while she presses up against him. Not being his brother, he tries not to respond.
- Oh, Mikhail, I missed you.
- You're so tense.
- I'll help loosen you up.
- What's this?
- You playing hard to get?
- Is this a game?
- Fine. Have it your way.
- But no handcuffs this time.
- You've gotten a lot harder since you've been away.
Now, having had sex with a 5'10" (actual) redhead before, and having been the dominant in a master/slave relationship with a woman I handcuffed on a regular basis, I gotta tell you, this scored "throbbing erection" on the "Excellent erotic dialog in an R-rated movie" scale.
[OK, I checked. There are a few posts on the "sex with a redhead" subject over at my "adult" site, rhetorich-rx.blogspot.com, where I haven't posted in a long time. Anyway, this 5'10" redhead I knew had very imaginative friends. They nicknamed her "Big Red."]
The picture of a (natural) redhead Natasha Henstridge naked, kneeling, handcuffed, made to do whatever I want ...
Excuse me. There's something I need to go do now.
michele bachmann
Some things simply shouldn't exist in our universe. There's that idiot in Florida who burned the Koran. I can't find the words to describe him. Nor can I find a reason to do so. You already either hate him or are a bigot, too.
And then there's that idiot in Washington D.C. She comes from Minnesota, Michele Bachmann. Her ignorance and stupidity are worthy of ridicule.
Nasty jokes:
She's so stupid, she goes commando in the middle of Minnesota winters and gets chapped lips.
Her favorite dessert is tiramisu, because it's made with lady fingers. That's all she does in Congress. In committee meetings, on the floor of the Congress, or in her office, that's all she does. The lady fingers herself.
I do not suffer fools well. I find the notion of a Republican presidential ticket of Palin/Bachmann not only hysterically funny but entirely possible. Oh, puh-leeze let it happen.
And then there's that idiot in Washington D.C. She comes from Minnesota, Michele Bachmann. Her ignorance and stupidity are worthy of ridicule.
Nasty jokes:
She's so stupid, she goes commando in the middle of Minnesota winters and gets chapped lips.
Her favorite dessert is tiramisu, because it's made with lady fingers. That's all she does in Congress. In committee meetings, on the floor of the Congress, or in her office, that's all she does. The lady fingers herself.
I do not suffer fools well. I find the notion of a Republican presidential ticket of Palin/Bachmann not only hysterically funny but entirely possible. Oh, puh-leeze let it happen.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
David Carradine
Do you think David Carradine would have survived his experience with erotic asphyxiation if, instead of rope, he used a blood pressure cuff around his neck? He could have pumped it up, as needed, then opened the pressure bulb valve slightly to relieve the pressure automatically.
Disclaimer #1: This statement has not been evaluated by the FDA. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.
Disclaimer #2: Do NOT try this at home.
Disclaimer #1: This statement has not been evaluated by the FDA. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.
Disclaimer #2: Do NOT try this at home.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Road Rage -- Something for the Young -- Part #3
I could have handled the incident better.
For instance, I could have followed through with the 9-1-1 call and made a video of the couple on my cell phone while following them until the cops arrived.
Even better, I could have listened to Maryann and entirely ignored the guy's hitting or kicking my car.
As it is, I think he will offer me neither of the things I really want:
- An apology for his childishly escalating my words into physical retaliation. I mean, did he never hear "Sticks and Stones"?
- A sincere "Thank You" to Maryann for being diligent and taking extraordinary care in not allowing the reckless way in which he operated his bicycle to cause him or his companion bodily harm.
As I said in Part #1 about this, I envy his testosterone level but not his lack of self-control. On the other hand, irrespective of my own level of testosterone, I acknowledge lack of self-control is a problem for me, too.
When the sheriffs became involved, the guy denied attacking our car. As there was no obvious damage, it became a case of "he said; he said". The guy has no honor.
For instance, I could have followed through with the 9-1-1 call and made a video of the couple on my cell phone while following them until the cops arrived.
Even better, I could have listened to Maryann and entirely ignored the guy's hitting or kicking my car.
As it is, I think he will offer me neither of the things I really want:
- An apology for his childishly escalating my words into physical retaliation. I mean, did he never hear "Sticks and Stones"?
- A sincere "Thank You" to Maryann for being diligent and taking extraordinary care in not allowing the reckless way in which he operated his bicycle to cause him or his companion bodily harm.
As I said in Part #1 about this, I envy his testosterone level but not his lack of self-control. On the other hand, irrespective of my own level of testosterone, I acknowledge lack of self-control is a problem for me, too.
When the sheriffs became involved, the guy denied attacking our car. As there was no obvious damage, it became a case of "he said; he said". The guy has no honor.
Road Rage -- Something for the Young -- Part #2
As you may remember from Part #1, the guy had ridden unsafely and been told off (either audibly or not) by me at the point shown in the upper, far-right blue rectangle of the photo. Then he hit or kicked our car in the green rectangle to the left. The road continues downhill to the intersection in the yellow rectangle, then goes back uphill to the red rectangle on the left.
I was enraged. It was at this point that Maryann, the calmer/smarter of our couple, said something like, "Let it go." Somewhere between the yellow and red rectangles I called 9-1-1, intending to have him stopped by the cops for hitting-or-kicking our vehicle, but they didn't answer immediately, so I hung up.
They called back a few moments later, and I said I had reconsidered filing a complaint and decided not to, spoke with the operator for a total of 47 seconds, then hung up. By this point, I had convinced Maryann to pull around the corner and stop the car. As I sat there, I realized the bicyclists would be going much slower up the incline we had just driven. In fact, they would be coming up the hill in a minute or so.
It became my intention to stop the guy and make a Citizens' Arrest. He had no right to escalate from whatever I had said to physically striking my car.
Now as you may know from reading these posts, I'm wearing a special boot on my left foot after four surgeries on it. I may or may not have talked previously about the lack of balance caused by diabetic neuropathy or being considerably overweight from not being able to walk as far as one block around the house until recently -- not for more than 2 years. The adhesive capsulitis ("frozen shoulder syndrome") makes it difficult to move my arms. Suffice it to say, I am old, fat, semi-crippled and fall over easily.
Despite those considerable physical limitations, I intended to confront the guy who had attacked our car. I wanted to express my outrage, to demand an apology, and seek the intervention of law enforcement if I didn't get it.
Things didn't work out as I had planned.
I may talk more about what occurred next on another day.
I was enraged. It was at this point that Maryann, the calmer/smarter of our couple, said something like, "Let it go." Somewhere between the yellow and red rectangles I called 9-1-1, intending to have him stopped by the cops for hitting-or-kicking our vehicle, but they didn't answer immediately, so I hung up.
[Click on the image for a bigger version]
They called back a few moments later, and I said I had reconsidered filing a complaint and decided not to, spoke with the operator for a total of 47 seconds, then hung up. By this point, I had convinced Maryann to pull around the corner and stop the car. As I sat there, I realized the bicyclists would be going much slower up the incline we had just driven. In fact, they would be coming up the hill in a minute or so.
It became my intention to stop the guy and make a Citizens' Arrest. He had no right to escalate from whatever I had said to physically striking my car.
Now as you may know from reading these posts, I'm wearing a special boot on my left foot after four surgeries on it. I may or may not have talked previously about the lack of balance caused by diabetic neuropathy or being considerably overweight from not being able to walk as far as one block around the house until recently -- not for more than 2 years. The adhesive capsulitis ("frozen shoulder syndrome") makes it difficult to move my arms. Suffice it to say, I am old, fat, semi-crippled and fall over easily.
Despite those considerable physical limitations, I intended to confront the guy who had attacked our car. I wanted to express my outrage, to demand an apology, and seek the intervention of law enforcement if I didn't get it.
Things didn't work out as I had planned.
I may talk more about what occurred next on another day.
Road Rage -- Something for the Young -- Part #1
I only want to tell the beginning of this story, an incident of road rage between me (a passenger in the car Maryann was driving) and a younger man (33 years old, according to the sheriffs who investigated) on a bicycle. I never got a particularly good look at him or the young woman / girl / lady (I mean no disrespect in applying what may be a politically incorrect label) who was riding with him on another bike. She appeared from a distance to be approximately the same age as he was.
When you look at the photo, you should know that we all were stopped at the light in the larger red square to the right, on Five Canyons Parkway as it meets East Castro Valley Blvd. The three sets of arrows and three lanes are on Five Canyons Parkway, which is going uphill in that direction. From right to left, the direction the cars are going in the photo, is East Castro Valley Blvd (Westbound) and goes downhill.
We were (again stopped, waiting for the light) in the middle of the 3 lanes. Practically nobody in that lane drives straight through that intersection (there are only a few homes across the street over there). Everybody turns left, down the hill, driving next to the cars in the left-turn only lane next to it.
The 2 bicyclists were not wearing safety headgear and were in the right lane, planning to ride across the intersection to the bike lane that begins in the smaller blue square to the left.
Here's the beginning of the incident. When the light turned green, instead of riding across the intersection, staying to the right of the two lanes of cars turning left, the bicyclists cut ACROSS the intersection diagonally, making a lane change without first making a hand signal of their intent to do so. They rode right in front of us and continued to be in our lane, such that Maryann had to hit the brakes and wait for traffic in the left turn lane to clear so we could change lanes to our left to avoid hitting them. Now ... I understand a bike can't accelerate rapidly uphill, but pulling directly in front of moving auto traffic is REALLY dumb. Foolhardy. Reckless.
I can't remember if I rolled down the window or mouthed the words through the closed window, but as we went by him I called the male rider a "Dumb F---" or "F---ing Idiot" -- I don't remember. Probably the wrong thing to do, but I was outraged that he would risk his own life and the life of the woman with him by riding so recklessly. I could see in his face that he understood what I was saying. I could tell he was angry, but that he had no idea he had been doing something dangerously wrong.
We drove in the right lane down the hill from where we entered the street (the top red rectangle) to the stoplight next to our local market (the bottom blue rectangle). The light was red, so we stopped in the right-most lane, where we had been ever since turning onto the street.
At that point, the bikes were rolling downhill and caught up with us. I felt and heard a loud THUMP as the guy either hit or kicked our car! While I envy him the level of testosterone to react to words by physically attacking my car, I can't say I admire his lack of self-control -- hence the "Road Rage" subject of this post.
I rolled down the window, shouted and gestured at him to stop. He ignored me.
When you look at the photo, you should know that we all were stopped at the light in the larger red square to the right, on Five Canyons Parkway as it meets East Castro Valley Blvd. The three sets of arrows and three lanes are on Five Canyons Parkway, which is going uphill in that direction. From right to left, the direction the cars are going in the photo, is East Castro Valley Blvd (Westbound) and goes downhill.
[Click on the image for a bigger version]
We were (again stopped, waiting for the light) in the middle of the 3 lanes. Practically nobody in that lane drives straight through that intersection (there are only a few homes across the street over there). Everybody turns left, down the hill, driving next to the cars in the left-turn only lane next to it.
The 2 bicyclists were not wearing safety headgear and were in the right lane, planning to ride across the intersection to the bike lane that begins in the smaller blue square to the left.
Here's the beginning of the incident. When the light turned green, instead of riding across the intersection, staying to the right of the two lanes of cars turning left, the bicyclists cut ACROSS the intersection diagonally, making a lane change without first making a hand signal of their intent to do so. They rode right in front of us and continued to be in our lane, such that Maryann had to hit the brakes and wait for traffic in the left turn lane to clear so we could change lanes to our left to avoid hitting them. Now ... I understand a bike can't accelerate rapidly uphill, but pulling directly in front of moving auto traffic is REALLY dumb. Foolhardy. Reckless.
I can't remember if I rolled down the window or mouthed the words through the closed window, but as we went by him I called the male rider a "Dumb F---" or "F---ing Idiot" -- I don't remember. Probably the wrong thing to do, but I was outraged that he would risk his own life and the life of the woman with him by riding so recklessly. I could see in his face that he understood what I was saying. I could tell he was angry, but that he had no idea he had been doing something dangerously wrong.
We drove in the right lane down the hill from where we entered the street (the top red rectangle) to the stoplight next to our local market (the bottom blue rectangle). The light was red, so we stopped in the right-most lane, where we had been ever since turning onto the street.
At that point, the bikes were rolling downhill and caught up with us. I felt and heard a loud THUMP as the guy either hit or kicked our car! While I envy him the level of testosterone to react to words by physically attacking my car, I can't say I admire his lack of self-control -- hence the "Road Rage" subject of this post.
I rolled down the window, shouted and gestured at him to stop. He ignored me.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Eureka!
I had a Eureka moment last week, what some people call an "Aha!" moment, a moment of discovery. Some California history. Eureka, the state motto, is what the guy said when he discovered gold in 1849 (49 -- 49ers, right?). Greek for "I have found it." So here's what *I* discovered. It turns out a man CAN have an orgasm without an erection. Well, it wasn't really a Eureka moment; [show vacuum hose] more of a Hoover or Bissell -- maybe Kenmore, I can't remember.
Irish Contraception
You probably know where the Catholic Church stands on contraception, right?
In Ireland, the only form they allow is an IUD called "Irish Spring." It has a fresh scent. You have to be manly to insert it.
In Ireland, the only form they allow is an IUD called "Irish Spring." It has a fresh scent. You have to be manly to insert it.
Hefner Dates Irish Twins
Hugh Hefner is dating 19-year old, blue-eyed, blonde twins. Well, not actually blondes, but you know what I mean. They're named Karissa and Kristina Shannon. Shannon ... that's Irish, isn't it? I bet he likes it when they kiss his Blarney Stones [p], lick his Shamrocks [p] and eat his Lucky Charms. They're magically delicious.
June 15, 2009 Closing -- "Rainbow Sherbet"
[This is the way I closed my set, a version of the earlier Rainbow Sherbet joke.]
Any redheaded women out there besides Val? She can tell you, I have a redhead fetish. But I shouldn't talk about that. Instead, let's talk about rainbow sherbet. Do you parents buy those big tubs of rainbow sherbet for birthday parties? Almost every kid likes at least one flavor, right? There's the orange-orange part and the white-pineapple part and the pink-raspberry part. It's been 35 years since I slept with a redhead, and Val keeps turning me down -- every time [L] -- but it made a big impression. Now picture this, viewed from the correct angle, there's the orange hair, the white skin and, underneath, the pink parts, if you know what I mean. It just so happens my favorite flavor is raspberry. I don't need a bowl, I don't need a spoon. I STILL just wanna bury my face in there. [L]
Any redheaded women out there besides Val? She can tell you, I have a redhead fetish. But I shouldn't talk about that. Instead, let's talk about rainbow sherbet. Do you parents buy those big tubs of rainbow sherbet for birthday parties? Almost every kid likes at least one flavor, right? There's the orange-orange part and the white-pineapple part and the pink-raspberry part. It's been 35 years since I slept with a redhead, and Val keeps turning me down -- every time [L] -- but it made a big impression. Now picture this, viewed from the correct angle, there's the orange hair, the white skin and, underneath, the pink parts, if you know what I mean. It just so happens my favorite flavor is raspberry. I don't need a bowl, I don't need a spoon. I STILL just wanna bury my face in there. [L]
Thursday, June 4, 2009
All Screwed Up
[New comedy material, to use at a later date.]
When I was younger, I made some mistakes, but Hell I'm only human, right? I screwed up sometimes.
When I got old and fat, my wife stopped letting me be on top, so now I ALWAYS screw up. I mentioned I have a bad memory -- didn't I? I'm not sure. My wife likes it when I say her name in bed. I remember it -- about 1/2 the time. When my memory started to go, I wrote it on the headboard [gesture with thumb and index finger close together, "small"] and insisted we keep the lights on.
Now that she insists on being on top. I had to paint it in big letters on the ceiling, but then my eyes started going bad, too. So I can't read it.
Sometimes I just have to call her by affectionate pet names, like Honey and Baby. Her affectionate pet name for me is cute. She calls me "Dumbshit".
When I was younger, I made some mistakes, but Hell I'm only human, right? I screwed up sometimes.
When I got old and fat, my wife stopped letting me be on top, so now I ALWAYS screw up. I mentioned I have a bad memory -- didn't I? I'm not sure. My wife likes it when I say her name in bed. I remember it -- about 1/2 the time. When my memory started to go, I wrote it on the headboard [gesture with thumb and index finger close together, "small"] and insisted we keep the lights on.
Now that she insists on being on top. I had to paint it in big letters on the ceiling, but then my eyes started going bad, too. So I can't read it.
Sometimes I just have to call her by affectionate pet names, like Honey and Baby. Her affectionate pet name for me is cute. She calls me "Dumbshit".
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Every Kiss Begins With Kay
Kay Jewelers runs ads around the every holiday that include their tag line, "Every Kiss Begins With Kay." I suppose I can't blame them, but when I'm broke and I see their store at the mall, I like to go up to a salesperson and ask, "Every Kiss Begins With Kay, right?" After they nod, I say, "You know what else is true? Every Piss Begins With Pee."
Every cloud has a silver lining, but hardly anybody wants to trade up to a golden shower.
Every cloud has a silver lining, but hardly anybody wants to trade up to a golden shower.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Joie de Vivre
When the French girl I was dating told me I had an enormous "Joie de Vivre," not speaking French, I thought it was a flattering (albeit inaccurate) anatomical reference.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
The Chiquita and the Banana
One thing I learned: If you're planning to use a frozen chocolate banana as a marital aid, remember to put towels under her FIRST. Chocolate MELTS and the stains don't come out. You'll have a difficult time convincing your next visitor you aren't incontinent. And, no, the "in continent" ISN'T Europe.
Movie lovers
Talk about a Freudian slip! When I found out she liked Hitchcock films, I meant to ask if she liked "Rear Window", but it came out "Do you like Back Door?"
Monday, May 25, 2009
Part of the Stand-up Set I'll deliver 6/1/09
Actually, I've been married 28 years this August 1st. We got married on eight / one / eight one. The date also describes our wedding night. First I ate one, then she ate one, and so on. I'm a gentleman. I believe ladies should come first. Yeah, I know it's disgusting to imagine, looking at me now -- like thinking about your grandma & grandpa going down on each other -- but it was HOT around 30 years ago.
--------
When I was younger, I made some mistakes, but Hell I'm only human, right? I screwed up sometimes. When I got older and fatter, my wife stopped letting me be on top in bed, so now I ALWAYS screw up. I mentioned I have a bad memory -- didn't I? I'm not sure. My wife likes it when I say her name when we make love. About 1/2 the time I remember it. I wrote it on the wall over the headboard a few years ago, but when she insisted on being on top I had to paint it in big letters on the ceiling. Now my eyes are going bad, too. I have cataract surgery scheduled right after the 4th of July. So I can't read what I wrote on the ceiling. So sometimes I just call her by affectionate pet names, like Honey and Baby. Her pet name for me is Dumbshit.
--------
When I was younger, I made some mistakes, but Hell I'm only human, right? I screwed up sometimes. When I got older and fatter, my wife stopped letting me be on top in bed, so now I ALWAYS screw up. I mentioned I have a bad memory -- didn't I? I'm not sure. My wife likes it when I say her name when we make love. About 1/2 the time I remember it. I wrote it on the wall over the headboard a few years ago, but when she insisted on being on top I had to paint it in big letters on the ceiling. Now my eyes are going bad, too. I have cataract surgery scheduled right after the 4th of July. So I can't read what I wrote on the ceiling. So sometimes I just call her by affectionate pet names, like Honey and Baby. Her pet name for me is Dumbshit.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Another "Adult Pun" for Oldsters
Did you hear about that retrospective TV special where Sally Field and Moondoggie go to the vibrator store? It's called "Gidget Gets a G-Spot Gadget."
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Rainbow Sherbet
I know it's creepy for an old guy to talk about sex, so I'll just talk about rainbow sherbet. Do you know those 1- and 2-gallon tubs of rainbow sherbet? Any parents in here? Do you buy rainbow sherbet for birthday parties? Almost every kid likes at least one flavor, right? There's the orange-orange part and the white-pineapple part and the pink-raspberry part. It's been 35 years since I slept with a redhead, but it made a big impression. Viewed from the correct angle, there's the orange hair, the white skin and the pink parts. My favorite flavor is raspberry. I don't need a bowl, I don't need a spoon. Lemme bury my face in there.
Friday, May 8, 2009
From April 15, 2009
On MSNBC's Rachel Maddow show, she couldn't stop laughing about the campaign to send tea bags to government officials as a protest of high taxation. There are "Tea Bag Parties" being held today in many cities, led by Conservative politicians or media figures, supposedly akin to the Boston Tea Party. Rachel laughed each time she quoted somebody saying "Teabag Obama" or "Teabag Your Congressman", etc. She didn't explain that "Teabag" is a slang sexual term, but I Googled it to find its meaning. I couldn't believe what it said. In fact, I thought it was a balled face lie.
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